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  • Rob


I created some note taking sheets to help me produce these stupid reports, I've just looked at them and they are almost as useless as the regular notes I take. I really need to up my game, honestly I do but lets see how we get on.

SDC & EDC were our hosts with the most and came up with a modern quiz, nothing before 2000 (I think - stoopid notes), as some fat idiot demanded it last week when he was 3/4 of a bottle of gin in. Ahem. The terrifying prospect of the 'kids' of the quiz knocking up a night of questions only they could answer loomed but it turned out to be very good (as always to be fair).

As we all appeared on screen for the 'Super Modern Cool Quiz' there was something odd about the set up in RH and RG's, something I couldn't put my finger on. Turns out they had shifted their couch to accommodate their Christmas tree although EDC postulated that RH had simply done it so he could have a new wanking spot.

SDC explained how the quiz would go and told us there was a game within the quiz where we had to spot the hidden nonces - think Where's Wally but with Jimmy Savile. AM asked for clarification, "is it like stealth nonce?" he asked. Yes, yes it was... Tiny pictures of terrible, terrible humans hidden in the questions.

First up was the (down with the kids) acronym round. AM and HE had started on the sauce early so the first argument arrived quickly with AM asking if he could have FAT as the F in LMFAO as it was more in keeping with him, but before SDC could answer HE shouted "I put the right answer!!!" AM's response to his significant other snatching a point for them despite his best efforts? "Oh just fuck off!!!"

The presentation was hampered as it kept pixellating with each new slide. EDC worked out that it was because they had 8,352 devices connected to his WIFI, as each one was turned off the screen got clearer and clearer. We warned them not to turn off anything that EDC was relying on to, you know, stay alive! TC quipped that the next time we were all on screen EDC would look like the sick girl on the flight in the film Airplane when the singing doctor accidentally pulls out her drip!

SDC did a sweet thing where she tailored each 'Piddle and a Pint' notification for people playing. Think the first one was "Piddle, Pint and a swig of morphine for Miss L" - nice! Others included "...and a Tory Rant for AM", "...and a big bag of Quavers for RG", "...and some warm ice cubes for GW" and "...and a kick from the dog for TC". I loved these, thanks guys.

Next it was the best selling songs for the last 15 years round. Normally I love the music rounds, I'm pretty good at them but this left me with the fear. Luckily I remembered way more X Factor winners than I thought I would and we put Drake down for anything we didn't know. Pretty successful round for us in the end!!!

One thing that did fall out from this round was that 'Shape Of You' by Ed Sheeran was used in the M&S adds which instantly had me craving a massive bag of Jalapeño Mix with a side order of Beefy's and it got everyone talking food. We discussed their Christmas range, cue EDC saying "I'm in M&S tomorrow, all the auld ones are getting shoved, I'm getting my chicken donuts!!!"

Various players had Magic Christmas on in the background which resulted in random shouts of "get Christmas on now, best Crimbo song ever" for all manner of tunes. There is only one king of the Christmas Song and that is Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney and Wings - it is the best, there is no argument! This fact led AM to say the most middle-aged sentence ever uttered on Quiz Night, "we Googled that pub and are going, it is Grade 2 listed you know".

Kids descriptions of items was cracking. They speak from a place of complete innocence so when they describe escalators as 'robot stairs' or ice cubes as 'water bricks' they are absolutely right! Brilliant, brilliant round, including a warning of not being able to use a boomerang from SDC's little one too!!!

Then there was an Emoji round about places we couldn't visit because of lockdown! I know from bitter experience how hard these are to play and set up. Each little image can have multiple meanings so when SDC explained that the image of a 'drink' next to a 'fart' was actually glass-go or Glasgow I wasn't surprised there was an AM rant! "Glass-go? Oh just fuck off!!! I was trying to think of a place that started with milk!"

By this point I think the 9% ale was controlling AM rather than the other way around as my next note about him just says "Things we'd like to see again? Dodi's cock in Diana's mouth". I haven't got a clue what prompted this, it was in the middle of a general knowledge round...answers on a postcard guys!

The 'Things that happened in 2020' round included the shortest argument in Quiz Night history when DB stated "Barnard Castle isn't a town, I'm sticking with my answer of Durham!" TC retorted, "It is a town, I've been there" to which DB quickly replied "In that case I'm wrong, remove that point!" If only Brexit could be sorted so quickly!

RH was having issues with his connection and we all fell about laughing when he announced he got "twenty niiiiiiiiiine" in the round. The delay was used to great effect though when we asked him to sing 'Believe' by Cher, he absolutely nailed it!!! Eventually, he changed to a different laptop and asked for confirmation we could hear him now, I told him he was still stuttering, "fuck off you tit" came the reply, loud and clear!

Now, we are entering the hieroglyph zone where notes become the fevered rantings of a deranged mind. Please bare with me...

The quiz was quite challenging, especially for our Wirralians it seems, AM "thank you SDC & EDC, your quiz is ace, it has caused consternation in our house, we aren't talking". It wasn't just AM and HE not talking, RH and EDC weren't best mates either after the quiz master became exacerbated at the player over a question about Eurovision.

The question was about who represented Austria at Eurovision in 2014, RH asked if EDC would just take the first name as the answer, a firm 'no' was the reply which started a lighthearted argument between them, when Conchita Wurst was announced as the answer RH replied saying "I had 'Desire' anyway", which made EDC shout "you had the wrong answer and were still arguing with me?", RH shot back "yeah but you didn't know I didn't have the answer!"

There was a question about which companies were brought together to form the Santander banking group that HE completely misheard that had me in bulk. "Why are you talking about vaginal?" RH shouted, "I was saying 'The Giro'!!!" I think it sounded better the first way!

SDC and EDC had a final trick up their sleeve; the 'All Or Nothing' round. Without knowing what the questions were about, we had to bid on how many answers we think we will get right, minimum of one, maximum of five. Each question was worth a whopping 10 points each so it could change the game, and it certainly did for one team!!!

Being the hardened gambler he is, RH immediately went all in, he chose 5! A master stroke, he would streak ahead in the scoreboard...if he hadn't got a question wrong and ended up with zero points!!! This didn't go down well, RH said "I'm fucking bin bagged because I chose 5!"

And before we knew it, that was that, the quiz was over and the final scores were in. SDC announced "in last place, R&R...", RG took it in good spirit "...and it is all your fault RH, serves you right getting us in the shit choosing 5!" Oops!!! I say it every week, but it doesn't really matter who won, I think AM & HE just shaded it this week if memory serves me right though.

The quiz was over and there was just time to rip the piss out of DB's massive gaming headphones! AM quipped "Hello, I'm DB and I like to play Fortnight with the kids!!!" before revealing that he wrote a song called 'Eskimo Winter' with lyrics about barking huskies which had us all howling (no pun intended) - I think DB came out on top there.

The night ended with the usual knitting circle chatting wham about nothing, although it was revealed that RH was once licked by a cow on a school trip to Leyton Hall - not sure where that came from, but there you go!

By this point AM and HE were absolutely Barlowed, we didn't think much of it when they disappeared from screen, probably just gone to get another drink or something but they never returned, the laptop lid was shut and that was that. AM confirmed that he woke up on the couch the next day with no pants on and HE was in bed. If that doesn't constitute a good Quiz Night then I'm not sure what does!!!

DE's turn to be the host with the most next week, I look forward to more CGI than a Marvel Movie in his PowerPoint presentation!!!


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