• Rob

QUIZ NIGHT 07/11/2020 - NONCEPTION...

We had brand new hosts this week as DB & JB stepped into the breach to entertain and educate us for a few hours. I'd been pestering DB, checking he was working on the quiz, asking him did he want to run anything past me as it was his first quiz, he said he was fine but revealed the quiz was rushed at the end because he wasn't feeling too well last week - bless.


JC would be joining us a little late as she was only just in from work which led to a night of suggestive remarks about her profession! AM & HE were struck down by the lurgy so sent their apologies, DE was in his 'go-to' bubble (the pub) and would also be missing so DB briefly suggested saving his quiz until next week so it would be appreciated by everyone and to give him time to knock up a few more questions. This sent me into a panic, the quiz must go on!!! On it went and it was very good.


DB created a presentation, I wasn't expecting that in his first quiz, very clean, very crisp, very professional looking - he meant business. There would be 8 rounds of 10 questions plus a special bonus round at the end that was right up our street apparently...


The whole night was plagued by niggly connection issues and funny noises, I think the second lockdown had everyone back on Zoom and their servers started creaking under the strain. Didn't matter, the auld British Bulldog spirit kicked in and we just got on with it, it was funny seeing RH & RG answering about 3 questions behind, shouting random stuff out like something from a Two Ronnie's sketch!


We warmed up with a general knowledge round which was decent then it was on to 'Trump Tweets - Real or Fake' which was so funny because a) it was genuinely difficult to tell if the nonsense on screen was actually written by the leader of the free world or by some teenager in their bedroom and b) the random shouts from RH "Hang on, I'm still on the 'Jesus was such a loser' tweet" for example...


I'm not entirely sure how we got on to the subject but EDC had an idea he wanted to pitch on Dragons Den; Wank 'n' Go! Basically, reuse old phoneboxes, blackout all the windows and have a direct line to the girls at Babe Station. Apparently, it will be a great idea for men who have been dragged out shopping by their wives. EDC is hoping to offer it as a franchise opportunity like Subway and was spitballing ideas like getting a keyring of your jizz face. RH suggested the idea needed a little work and urged EDC to "think outside the box" which is kinda the wrong way to go I thought!


Next, it was a music round, straightforward stuff, artist, title and original artist. Another week, another chance for me to completely forget who originally sang 'Tainted Love' (we have only had this question ooh, at least twice in the last few months, so I should remember, right? Wrong!). Thankfully Ms L was on hand to give the answer. Gloria Jones if you are playing at home by the way...


DB then threw us a round right out of the TC playbook of really hard questions - phobias. Some interesting and almost impossible to guess questions in that little lot. I smiled when I found out that hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia was the fear of long words. Whoever is naming these sort of things has a wicked sense of humour, lisp has an 's' in it and dyslexia has a 'y' instead of an 'i' for example - cruel bastards!


That led us on to another 'Hall of Famer' round; Place Names - Real or Fake? The names were all dodgy and the comments between the group were ridiculous. How else would I hear Ms L say the immortal words "Is Wetwang a close or an avenue?" followed by TC declaring "I've definitely been past Wetwang". I found myself wondering if Spunk Green and Cockwash Lane were real places. What a round!


Round 6 was TV Theme Tunes, a chance for Ms L to proclaim that one of the tracks was the theme to 'Flowery Twats' which made me smile. One of the answers was Batfink - immediately everyone of a certain age shouted "my wings are like a shield of steel" and discussion broke out about how every week one of the bullets hit his leg without causing any damage. The fume was strong in our house.


RH had resolved his connection issues with multiple reboots and turning off the 142 other laptops/phones/tablets he had connected to the internet now it was TC & JC's turn to be visited by the gremlins as their screen kept flashing red. RH chimed in that TC needed to fix it as the flashing was doing his head in...because he couldn't see TC & JC fighting with each other!!!


There was another cheeky General Knowlege round before DB announced that there was a nonce round - cue cheers around the screen. And so it was we cracked on with Noel Edmonds - Nonce or No Nonce (a play on Deal Or No Deal, not an allegation aimed at a national treasure you understand!). The idea was to spot celebrity nonces from pictures of them as a kid. As RH asked, "So let me get this right, we are doing a round of nonces that look like they could be nonced?" EDC summed it up perfectly; "Nonception".


Me and Ms L struggled with that round which led me to say something I never thought I would "we came last in the nonce round, we need to up our nonce game". What the fuck have we become?!


The last round was a Noel Edmonds Bonus Round, three questions worth 5 points each, no multiple-choice, just difficult questions. We all managed to get 1 question right as far as my ale-addled brain can recall. We just about scraped the correct answer calling Edmonds' creepy mannequin he used to sit in the back of his privately owned cab 'Candy' instead of 'Candice'.


The scores were in and it was a draw between us and TC & JC. The tie-breaker; who would you most want to get nonced by and why? TC lept in with Rolf Harris because he could also entertain as well as violate. We went with Jimmy Savile as he is simply King of the Nonces, the absolute gold standard. According to DB, it is more important that someone can play a wobble board and draw a picture of you than it is to be abused by the Pele of paedos. We lost but I'm taking the moral victory.


And there it was, a cracking quiz night with a whole load more nonciness than I'd expected! People started melting away and a few hardy souls kept drinking until gone 3.


The next day TC confirmed he was feeling rough and had bought a McDonalds for the first time in years to help get rid of his hangover. I did the same and almost Ralphed. SDC confirmed that EDC had a busy day ahead drawing up business plans for Wank 'n' Go! and JC was getting her 'business' cards printed apparently. Just another regular Sunday...


Another cracking night that, on reflection, spiralled into a bit of a mad one! Hopefully, the guys who missed the quiz will make it next week as part of the fun is having chats before, during and after. Well done DB, JB and the kids for producing a great debut quiz, it is TC's turn to be the host with the most next week, as AM said "Nice!! I'll start working through my encyclopedia now then...". Love a TC quiz me...

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